Year of the Monkey... On Your Back

It seems like just yesterday you were sitting in your room listening to George Michael as he crooned away asking, “Do you love the monkey or do you love me?” The answer, of course, was that you loved George, always and forever.

Now, it’s 2016 and, according to the Chinese zodiac calendar, we are officially 1 day, 22 hours and 18 minutes into the Year of the Monkey. Sorry George, I guess the monkey has found its way onto our backs once again. The Year of the Monkey carries with it a feeling of auspicious restraint. As though it could be one killer year, but beware the hi-jinx of this wacky monkey.

It is a great year to try new things, put yourself out there and roll the dice on a new venture or, god forbid, romantic prospect. Communication, enthusiasm and fun are highlighted by our fair monkey this year, but take care not to let yourself get sucked in by the excitement and perceived positive energy around you. The monkey is an inherent trickster and if you aren’t careful to follow through and see your new ventures come to maximum fruition, the monkey could play its tricks on you.

Sounds like the monkey may be a presidential candidate. 

The monkey is creative, highly intelligent and witty. Seen as an opportune sign to be born under, China is expecting a baby boom in 2016 after many couples delayed having babies during the Year of the Sheep, fearing the misfortune associated with being part of the herd (I had to get a pun in there). People born during the Year of The Monkey are seen as lucky and, “have more desirable characteristics, such as craftiness, cleverness, and charm.” Well, isn’t that interesting.

As much as the monkey is a sign of good fortune, the monkey is often regarded as a symbol of mischief. Some feng shui experts are warning of financial pitfalls this year and jokes may tend to be taken just a bit too far. But this year’s monkey is a Fire Monkey, something that happens only every sixty years and, rather than adding to the spicy mix, the fire element’s presence serves as a grounding force for those born under its sign.

I think I had a few too many Fire Monkeys one lunar new year myself.

Famous people born under the sign of the monkey include Julius Caesar, Leonardo da Vinci, Federico Fellini, Elizabeth Taylor, Jerry Springer and Vanilla Ice. Clearly, there’s nothing these monkeys can’t do.

This should be a good year for anyone born in the Year of the Goat, Ox, Dragon or Snake, as these signs mesh well with the monkey. It will not be the best time for those with zodiac signs of the dog, rabbit, tiger or pig. But, I’m not sure you want your pig fraternizing with your monkey anyway.

So stay positive this year and focus on seeing things through with enthusiasm and intelligence. Otherwise, crawl back in your hole and we’ll call you in 2017, the Year of the Rooster. Sure to be filled with all the ridiculousness you can handle. 

"Fat Barbie:" A Life of Ridicule and Bad Fashion

There is nothing like putting on a few pounds to make the world take notice. Case in point: “Fat Barbie.” Mattel’s reveal of its new, decidedly more politically correct Barbie dolls last week sent the media into an all out frenzy. The new additions to the iconic doll line include Petite Barbie, Tall Barbie and Curvy Barbie—who didn’t make it five minutes before she was predictably dubbed “Fat Barbie.”

Adding insult to already ridiculous injury.

Adding insult to already ridiculous injury.

It was bound to happen sooner or later. In the space between a culture obsessed with physical appearance and a society attempting to make progress on the sensitive topic of young children and body image, something as iconic and stereotypical as Barbie had to make a change. And change she did. While Petite Barbie and Tall Barbie remain as slender as ever, Curvy Barbie went from Barbie’s classic size 0 to a size 10 (that late night pizza will do it every time). Given that the average American woman is a size 14, that puts “Fat Barbie” well under the benchmark of what we would commonly interpret as fat, and significantly underweight when compared to the majority of women in the country.

And I know how much we all love to be compared to the majority of women in the country.

But what I find most ridiculous about the images of “Fat Barbie”—yes, I should be calling her Curvy Barbie having just debunked her “fatness,” but “Fat Barbie” is so much more amusing and I need this—is not her average looking size, but the fact that Mattel has given her a variety of outfit options that make her look like a middle-aged mall-goer desperately clinging to some far-off, overly suggestive idea of fashion relevancy.

All of “Fat Barbie’s” skirts are short, her tops are generally tight and her shoe options trend toward the platform variety. She can have blue hair and even sport a mesh mini-dress with a back leather baseball cap if you like. Mattel describes “Fat Barbie’s” style options as looks, “from casually cool to boho bold,” adding that the fashions are, “inspired by the latest trends!” I can hear Anna Wintour howling from here.

Take the “Fat Barbie” pictured above. She is the “Everyday Chic” model, decked out in what Mattel muses is, “a cool red and white striped tank with bow graphic and trendy denim capris.” In reality, “Everyday Chic Fat Barbie” is clinging to life in her purposely worn-in, too short to be flattering capri jeans, her passé blonde blowout, an impractical white wristlet and a tank top adorned with a bow that looks like it may eat her boobs in the next five minutes. What’s next—jeggings, a big white “sport watch” and knockoff Tory Burch logo flats?

“Fat Barbie” does, however, have options like thick, black nerd glasses, because apparently even Barbie is a hipster, and wedge sneakers. Thank you, Isabel Marant.

Yet, it’s still only the skinny Barbies that have more flattering wardrobe options like ankle-length pants, pencil skirts that hit below the knee, tailored tops and little jackets, appropriately taking her from day to steamy night on the town with Ken. These svelte ladies can also change into sensible yoga pants, carry convenient top handle bags and sport modern hairdos like the “lob” and a topknot.

Still no $1000 fur mules though.

It seems that just as Barbie has attempted to move forward and embrace more broad definitions of body image, she is still being held down by how she is allowed to outfit herself. And if the worry is that young girls are getting unrealistic expectations by playing with skinny Barbie, how are they to picture themselves alongside Curvy Barbie and her mini skirt? I’d like to propose that all Barbies have the option to wear more realistic clothing and get away from the need to be “on trend,” a term that is obviously subject to interpretation.

Jeans and a T-Shirt Barbie, Belted Shirt Dress Barbie, Power Suit Barbie, Pajama Chic Barbie, Caftan Queen Barbie; there’s nothing Barbies of any size can’t wear if they put their minds to it. Just like there’s nothing girls of any age can’t and won’t wear if they so desire. So let’s give them realistic options to desire and save the world another teenager clad in a mesh dress.

Now that we have that settled, Ken is looking seriously metrosexual these days.

Good god, it's only 8 a.m.

Ridiculous in the City understands few things more implicitly than the fact that advertising makes the world go round, but no one needs to see this in their face when they open Instagram on Monday morning. Or do they? One of the morning’s “top posts” for #NYC, it’s a testament to the half-comatose, ridiculous mood we all start the week in. Yes, we do need a laugh, just spare me the close up booty detail.

Perhaps the one element that truly elevates this is the emphasis on this particular Brazilian Butt Lift being yours for “Only $6 per day.” Because in New York City, we even get a deal on our butts.

Happy Monday to all the butts out there. Flat, round, double-wide, boney, ridiculous; it is you who allows to get through the week by the seat of our pants.

Serenity Now

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In December we finally learned the answer our hearts had waited so long to hear: Serenity and Rose Quartz were named the official Pantone colors of 2016. What, no Ridiculous Rouge?

Overnight, fashion and design industry sources buzzed about the influence these two partners in pigment would have on global color trends. Women’s Wear Daily wrote, “...soft blue and pale pink will reign supreme next year.” Katy Perry was quoted saying, “Pantone said the color of the year is Rose Quartz and it means love, so I’m here,” as she stood clad in a rosy pink frock on the red carpet at The Golden Globes. Serenity and Rose Quartz had arrived.

But what does the selection of these particular colors say about the world in 2016? That we’re ready for calming tones—tones that parlay the muted pastels of our hearts? That we want not one, but two stable, peaceful hues in our lives; hues we can count on to be there, in all their safe, comforting glory like the “chubby” jeans we’re too smart to really throw out?

Serenity and Rose Quartz are not by any measure deep, strong, bold colors. They are not colors that have even a remotely powerful connotation. They are essentially nothing more than a blue lilac and a faded blush. Is this what 2016 will be—faded? I thought we were headed into a year of taking the world by storm, making real progress, kicking ass and being our best selves ever. Am I now to believe my best self is decked out in light pink and tired purple? I guess my Nana finally won.

In 2000, Cerulean was the first color Pantone selected as Color of the Year. Cerulean: trustworthy, good for humanity; a modest, non-vibrant, go-to blue that went on to work its way into corners of the world where they have no concept of Pantone or any other tone for that matter. Then came 2001. Was Fuchsia Rose really the definitive shade of the world in 2001? Was Tiger Lily our cultural touchstone in 2004? How about bland, beige cousin Sand Dollar in 2006, followed by peppy-as-it-wants-to-be Chili Pepper in 2007—was our mid-aughts mood that of a split personality?

Was Tangerine Tango really the shade of 2012? I don’t remember Obama sporting an orange hued tie as he rolled into re-election? Or what about Emerald in 2013? A good old green to let us know we were on track, or on something. How about last year’s selection of Marsala as Color of the Year. Described by Pantone as, “A naturally robust and earthy wine red, Marsala enriches our minds, bodies and souls.” Let’s see, 2015: Wine (check), earthy (check—Climate Change Summit, Leonardo DiCaprio, we live on Earth), enriched mind, body and soul (um, define enriched).

Now here we are, 2016. In their search for each year’s perfect shade, Pantone’s color enthusiasts boast they, “comb the world looking for the color which best defines the global zeitgeist.” Is “serenity” really what will define the global zeitgeist in 2016? And what does it say that, for the first time, we have two colors of the year—that we as a society must appear overtly equal opportunity so as to coddle even the peskiest of colorists? Or that the Pantone powers that be couldn’t decide between Rose Quartz and Serenity, two hues that don’t really say much at all, so they took both, muting the color palettes and cultural consciousness of the world in one fell swoop.

Or maybe Pantone’s refined shade connoisseurs felt that after the turbulence of 2015, we could all use a return to a peaceful, not so in-your-face, state of mind. A year to be calm and focus on what really matters, not allowing ourselves to get caught up in the mental stress and worry over the chaotic state of the world; a year to improve the mood of that world one beautiful shade at a time.

Yes, Pantone, let’s do it. Let’s take a breath and stop and smell the Rose Quartz in an effort to find Serenity, and truly come together as a mellower, possibly even better looking populace. If color can’t subliminally affect us, what can?

Maybe I’ll take a page from Pantone’s book and chill out, buy some faded pink dungarees and get Zen. That should last me right up until the November election.

2016, color me ridiculous.