Ridiculous in the City

With an end to winter’s brutal smack in the face finally upon us, residents of New York City greeted the first solid weeks of warmer temperatures with enthusiasm for a much-needed wardrobe change and hope, as ever, for a sunny disposition. Yes, the hills are alive with the sound of chirping birds, fire escape gardening and ridiculousness, the way every spring should be.

Maybe it’s the fact that winter took its sweet time packing its bags this year—which is odd considering all it had was a duffle stuffed with long underwear and a fake Triple F.A.T. Goose parka—or maybe the lone, lingering effect of six-months of sub-arctic chill is, in fact, one giant brain freeze, but this year, it is achingly apparent that humanity’s enthusiasm for friendlier temperatures is being joined by an over-zealous desire to not simply transition into warmer weather clothing, but dive head first off the cliff with as little covering our bodies as possible. Public Service Announcement: G-strings and frozen glaciers don't mix. Yes, we can all agree that an end to the obscene, ten-minute, coat-scarf-hat-gloves-boots-shit, I forgot something-wait, I have to go to the bathroom-now I'm hot performance we’ve been starring in since October can’t come soon enough. But with temperatures in the high-60s one day and the low-50s the next, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

In any season there are always those that hit the town South Beach style, without a care or a coat, shivering away on the sidewalk, waiting in line to get into a club and groove their way to warmth, looking pretty cold and pretty ridiculous, all to spare themselves the pain of not ruining their “look.” And we all remember that irritating guy in college who wore flip-flops and a t-shirt no matter what the weather, channeling the earthy hippie he strived to be (something tells me that these days on college campuses that translates to channeling the Steve Jobs portrayed so ridiculously by Ashton Kutcher. My eyes are still burning.). That guy looked like an idiot then and is probably still looking like a bona fide idiot to this very day. But I’m not talking about him or the wanna-be Miami Sound Machine back up dancers, I’m talking about the generally wise-minded citizens of NYC that are going above and beyond merely switching to a lighter coat, and going straight to mini skirts and shorts. Public Service Announcement: Not everyone is beach ready.

Now I believe, as a human and a citizen of a free society, in the right to bare arms and bare legs, but is it really wise to be breaking out your gams with the temperatures still teetering on the brink of chilly? Are you not, as my grandmother would say, “asking to get a cold,” by going so scantily clad, exhibiting a lack of judgment in the first weeks of spring that indicates you learned nothing during your long period of frigid winter hibernation? Perish the thought. There must be some data to support underdressing as well, ridiculous.

According to the facts of modern medicine, you do not actually catch a cold from being cold, “at least not directly.” Thanks WebMD, for leaving a sliver of gray area there. You catch a cold, and worse the flu, primarily from not washing your hands. And so I must wash my hands of this debunked myth (but not of that amazing pun). Don’t tell my grandmother.

What then is the real risk of not having enough layers on when the weather is cold? Is there one? I don’t mean frozen, death-inducing temperatures here so obvious threats aside, is there scientific research supporting the decision to not wear sufficient clothing in nippy weather as being totally asinine? Or do you merely run the risk of looking like an idiot?

Some of us run that risk every day.

Weighing in on this heady subject, the CDC points out that a number of cold weather related injuries and conditions can occur when it is “as warm as 60 degrees.” Those include chilblains, trench foot and even hypothermia. The CDC goes on to say, “Mild hypothermia can make you feel confused, and you may not think anything is wrong until it is too late.” Um, kind of like not wearing enough clothes. “Being too cold can also cloud your judgment and cause you to make mistakes while you work, and mistakes can sometimes be deadly.”

That’s right. The right to bare arms equals death.

Well, there you have it. Though science contends you will not catch a cold by going without proper layers in borderline cold temperatures, you may end up dead. Or, as the Miami Sound Machine would say, “un tonto muerto.” Okay, I’m dramatizing a bit for production value, but making an inadequate clothing choice could propel you towards more serious conditions and it is important to know that covering yourself up intelligently as those projections for weather in the high-50s turn into days in the mid-40s might safeguard your health.

It might also leave you looking less ridiculous in the long run, something your fellow citizens would really appreciate. You may recognize us, we’re the ones with the scarves around our necks and the socks on our feet.