“It is decidedly so.”

I’ll admit it. I have a monkey on my back. A monkey that has me in its clutches so deeply that no matter what I try, I can’t break free. I speak of an addiction that has no withdrawal symptoms, no prolonged come down effects, but one that wells up inside me at the mere mention of the monkey; my thoughts drifting, searching for a hint of what it might say or do. My monkey’s name is Magic 8 Ball and whatever it tells me, I follow.

So strong is the Magic 8 Ball’s pull that it’s had me in its web for decades, its web of extreme ridiculousness. Like many children, I received my first Magic 8 Ball as a gift, probably from relative who couldn’t think of anything and went with the option that seemed most entertaining to them—a method I now employ when shopping for the adolescents in my life (“It’s an ant farm! Awesome, right?!”) But that one small present changed my life. The idea that there was some greater power to consult, some actual object to ask the questions whose answers I longed for, an oracle in which I could put my trust and my blind, nine-year-old faith was mind blowing. Ask a question. Turn it over. Future revealed. I was in.

The commercial success and storied popularity of the Magic 8 Ball stem from one thing: the Magic 8 Ball’s mystique. That mystique is made up of two parts. The first part is the Magic 8 Ball’s appearance. Never before has so much epic, witchy possibility been housed in one perfectly round, black ball with murky purple water inside. Developed in the 1950s as a “clairvoyant” device, the ball originally looked more like a crystal ball and only took on the billiards-inspired look after Brunswick Billiards took a liking to the ball and ordered some to suit their customers (because pool playing and fortune telling go hand in hand, naturally.) The Magic 8 Ball has twenty possible answers. Twenty! How do you get all those answers in one ball? What’s really in there? If I break it open is the water smelly? These are the questions that sold a billion Magic 8 Balls.*

Later we can count up the number of times the word “balls” was used in the making of this essay. If it contains an eight, I’m leaving the country.

The second part of the Magic 8 Ball’s mystique owes itself to the fact that the Magic 8 Ball is seen not merely as an object, but a concept, an idea greater than ourselves, a force that exists beyond existence, in the dimension where answers lie and questions are solved. Critics of the Magic 8 Ball, who have chosen to remain anonymous out for fear of their personal safety, say the answers the Magic 8 Ball gives are too obscure, too vague, not concrete enough to reveal any tangible information. To those people I say, get over yourselves. Open your mind and read between the lines. The Magic 8 Ball is telling you what you need to know, but it can’t draw you a map. Should the ball not be able to give you an answer it says, quite plainly, “Ask again later.” Is there anything more clear than that?

I just can’t stop myself from consulting the Magic 8 Ball. I always have a question I want answered, a choice I need to make, a future occurrence I need foretold. If I come across a ball in a store, I immediately pick it up, my pulse racing in anticipation of just what truth will be revealed.

“Will I win the lottery this weekend?”

“Should I cut my hair?”

“Does Michael Bloomberg still care about me?”

These are the questions for which I seek the deepest answers.

Thank god I have my Magic 8 Ball. The Magic 8 Ball knows the future. And you can too for $9.99.

*Figures grossly over-inflated.